Recently I was watchin one of my favourite YouTube influencers (Shoutout to Ms Lisaah Mapsie) she was discussing the topic of toxic friends. Something said stuck with me and after watching the entire video, what I took from the talk was that ‘Not all friendships built are meant to last and sometimes this isn’t just in the case of friendships, this could also relate to relationships, family relationships, all of that and the rest.’
Within this post I’ll be focusing on the role we play as individuals in toxic relationships/friendships
The Toxic Episodes
Every now and then I go through a bit of a period, (ummm let’s call them episodes). After watching the video I self-analysed. Looking within, I noticed that I tended to display toxic narcissistic behaviour during these episodes. Without malicious intent yet still doing so.
On a normal day; narcissism doesn’t even come into play. But when I’m having an episode, it’s like I disregard the feelings of those around me. When I say this I don’t mean to sound insensitive or asif I don’t care for my loved ones. That’s far from the truth.
It was more of a realisation, that during these episodes. I was failing to take into consideration how my behaviour, actions and outbursts of emotions were effecting those around me. Hence me being the toxic denominator for those around me.
Thinking about it, I can actually imagine the amount of energy I release during a toxic episode. Energy that some may consider dark, negative and draining. It can be a lot…..I can be a lot.
In the moment of self analysation, I had to take a step back. Question my actions that had led me to become the toxic one in my relationships. The realisation that all this time it was me, that I had pushed my loved ones away, dawned on me.
The Narcissist Within Me
At first I had felt as if it was unfair of them to desert me during my troubled times. In my head I thought; “Well I’ve always been the same person from day one. So if they could handle me then, why couldn’t they handle me now.” One word… ‘Growth’. They had grown. Learnt to manage their emotions, reactions and behaviour as adults. Whereas I ‘believed’ I had grown along with these relationships but that was just me in denial. Wanting to believe I’d grown but infact I had a lot more to learn.
The more I think of the relationships around me. I’m able to analyse each moment that my toxic behaviour has impacted a situation or somebody else life.
Honestly I feel like I’m making myself seem more problematic than I actually am. But as individuals when constantly messing up relationships, at some point you’ve kind of got to start wondering, why?. So I had to check myself!!!
I understand that I can’t be perfect, I understand that there’s much for me to work on and improve. With time great change will occur.
Change has to begin by apologising to anyone that I have hurt, offended or made to feel unworthy of respect. I’m truly sorry.
My past behaviour is not something that I’m proud of. The lessons learnt from the repercussions of my behaviour, whether positive or negative is something that I am coping with. As each lesson has been nudging me closer to personal and spiritual growth. Growth that is long overdue.
Below I’ll include the video that basically got me thinking and analysing myself. We’re all individuals so you may take something completely different from it to what I did, but I hope you do take something positive from the video.