Being Scared of your own Ambition & Potential!
On more than one occasion I’ve found myself frozen in place at the thought of my own potential. From a young age I’ve always known I was destined for greatness. Honestly no joke, I knew that there was no way I could experience so much ups and downs in life for absolutely no reason. I believed in myself and I believed that I would make some sort of difference in the world albeit a small one but still some sort of difference.
When I was younger, I had two job roles that stood out to me, I wanted to be a Lawyer but I also aspired to become a Midwife. I loved the thought of bringing new life into the world. The thought of seeing the love & joy on a mother’s face when seeing her child. (Yes, this is how I was thinking at a young age, I craved a mothers love.)
Anyway fast forward a couple years and I’d made a definitive decision to focus on becoming a Midwife, from young I was involved in caring for others whether it was in my personal life or work life, I went to college to study Health & Social Care (my attitude didn’t let me progress through this route), I did a foundation Health & Social Care course in Uni (my personal life hindered me from completing the course).
There were several things I wanted to do but found myself being side-tracked. In my head I questioned whether the universe was trying to let me know that I wasn’t cut out for these roles, so I put the idea of myself succeeding in the roles right in the back of my head. I dealt with roles that I knew were easy to come by like waitressing, care work etc and although I exceled in these roles I knew I was dismissing my true potential and worth. My time in the housing sector has been a real eye-opener for me, working and helping individuals from all walks of life has shown me what it is I truly aspire to do in life, like when I think about my future I think about what kind of role I would like to retire from, what kind of impact will I have made on those around me before I decide to kick back and relax with my grandchildren.
My thoughts always come round to thoughts of the same job role I’ve always aspired to be in as CEO of my own company helping others rather than working for profit and honestly when I put my plans and thoughts on paper it’s just amazing, I get goose bumps when I see my ideas written out, even when I hear myself talking about my long-term goals for a non-profit organisation honestly it gives me the shivers just knowing my own potential. I love helping others, I love assisting those around me to reach the goals set for themselves, seeing my fellow peers reach their potential is just great to see.
My Ambitious Conclusion!
So why do I fear my own potential, how is it possible for somebody who has gained so much experience in life to be scared to put one foot forward for themselves. Assessing my past, each idea I’ve had and what has stopped me from progressing further with it, the simple conclusion was my negative energy. Simple as that, it’s dramatically overwhelming. I constantly live in my past and the failures of it. Every time I believe I can accomplish something the shadow of mistrust looms over me blocking the potentials. To be really honest like real real with my readers, I still haven’t managed to find a way to overcome this obstacle. My negative thought process and energy is something that has stuck with me from my past, the memories of the abuse and struggles I grew up with are always replayed, reminding me of what I came from, the failures of my parents and my childhood actually, now that I come to think of it.
I know that these feelings are not something that can be dealt with by just putting them in print. I clearly have several factors from my past that I’m not completely over and its going to take some deep therapy to even begin putting together the different ingredients for this Cocktail Mind but I’m adamant in doing so because I don’t want to be fearing my potential or my future. I know I have an a amazing soul, it’s time everyone else got to see it too.