What a Year contd…

What a Year contd…

So continuing on from (2018 what a year)

 

 

Going into the summer of 2018, I had started working at a new company, similar role but much needed new employers. I enjoyed being in a more professional work environment than the previous job so I had no complaints, although after awhile it began to get tedious traveling back and forth between two cities for work and home. One day I expressed this to my employer and shockingly I was offered the chance to move back to Birmingham via living in one of my employers private properties. At first I had major doubts about the offer  but then I had to kind of give myself a quick swift kick, this was an amazing opportunity that probably wouldn’t be offered to me again & based on the other opportunities that had come up throughout the year, how could I deny another blessing?!.

Once I was able to process and accept the offer, I swung into the motion of preparing to move. September came & I felt my energy uplifting each day leading up to moving day.  Starting fresh was my one and only goal, I wanted to do things different for myself and my family. This move was going to make me become a better person I was adamant of it.

Fast forward a couple great positive months…

 Were in the middle of November, AJ had caught a virus for the 2nd time that year. This led to an infection & him being hospitalised with breathing issues, the same situation had happened before and was really scary & painful to deal with but as we had previously experienced it, I was better prepared this time round when I received the call from his Father. During that period AJs father and myself were not getting along at all 🙄 so the whole situation really humbled us as parents and we managed to be civil during the hospital stay and the ride back lol.

Once the engine turned off it was a another story, we ended up having an argument that impacted me so NEGATIVELY, my mental health took a severe beating. From that point onwards for the rest of the year I was up and down. I couldn’t get ahold of my moods, my chakra was definitely imbalanced, but I had to slap on that positive face because I had a child to care for & over 30 clients who depended on me.

The start of 2019 was an absolute shambles!!!

Two weeks into the year I had reached such a low point, I attempted to take my own life. I felt like I had failed everyone and everything around me, in my head I felt as if I tainted the world. My negativity was draining others & the guilt was too much to bare. There was just too much going on and at that time I thought that was the best decision, luckily enough for me I had an angel looking out for me. Friends and family came at a time when I really needed them & I was given support by them and an amazing ambulance crew. I will forever be filled with gratitude towards these individuals because they saved me! They saved me from the worst decision I’d ever made in my entire life. 

Ashleigh, Layce, Felesha, Yasmine & the two Ambulance Crew staff Amy + Chris. Some of you may not ever see this but I want you to know from the bottom of my heart I am truly truly grateful!. x

So that same weekend I decided I just wanted to be at home, I wasn’t up for communicating or anything like that, so that’s what I did, I only came out of my house for one thing & damn didn’t I end up regretting that. I was minding my own business driving back from the local shop & out of nowhere BOOM!! 

Someone had only gone & crashed into me, once I’d regained composure and got out the car, I attempted to call 999 as the other driver had jumped out of the car and RAN OFF...yesss HE RAN OFF. Sirens swung round the corner before I could even say ‘my name is’. Turns out the police were already chasing the driver as the car had been stolen. Not only had he crashed into me but he had also crashed into another woman’s  car & completely written it off. Despite the damages I was able to get my car home safely, all I could think about was how lucky I was. The events of the weekend were eye opening for me, I felt the impact of the negative energy that was festering within me, smouldering my light. At that moment I vowed to myself that I would keep going, no matter what I was hit with, no matter how I felt I would just keep going. 

The Aftermath

The crash resulted in my car being off road for awhile, which ended up hindering my former job role and because I lived in my former employers home, this lead to me & AJ becoming homeless.

At this point you guys must be thinking I attract some serious bad luck…yeah I felt the same way too… at the time.  We ended up homeless for 3/4 months, despite this I still had hope, even on the days I had to make noodles in the kettle lool I still had hope. I keep telling you guys I’m destined for greatness, I refuse to believe that the negativity of the past will become my future. So I keep on pushing

Got myself a new job with an amazing legit hardworking company, moved into a beautiful home with an understanding landlord who has been nothing but supportive towards me as a single mother. I changed my thought process, the people and energy around me. Made some hard decisions that impacted my social circle & my family but I knew these decisions would benefit me mentally. Currently I’m in a really good head space, the universe keeps throwing things my way to trip me up, but I keep pushing forward and I see that the Universe notices this because when I need it the blessings come ohh sweet days my blessings definitely come through. 

Well to wrap up on that negative period!

If you’ve reached all the way to end I just want to thank you for taking the time out to read this post, it took a while to write because I was unsure about being so open about everything but one thing that I’ve learnt during this whole period is how to effectively release any doubt, pain or hurt in my life, let it gooo, let it goooo (yes please believe I’m actually singing frozen as I write). Anyway I’m proud of where I am at the moment, how much I’ve overcome in the last couple of years. I’m grateful for the people around me & I’m ready to kick this life into gear and help those in similar positions as me.

        I’ve got a lot of great things in store for you guys and ooo I’m so excited baby. Roll with me readers we gon’ have some fun for the last five months of the year. The year will not end as it began.

PERIODT!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re feeling suicidal, it’s important to tell someone.
Help and support is available right now if you need it. You don’t have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.


Phone a helpline
These free helplines are there to help when you’re feeling down or desperate.
Unless it says otherwise, they’re open 24 hours a day, every day.


Information:
Samaritans – for everyone
Call 116 123
Email jo@samaritans.org
Information:
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men
Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day
Visit the webchat page
Information:
Papyrus – for people under 35
Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm
Text 07786 209697
Email pat@papyrus-uk.org
Information:
Childline – for children and young people under 19
Call 0800 1111 – the number won’t show up on your phone bill

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being scared of your own Potential

Making that change from a young girl into a young woman with goals set, ready to be achieved and full potentials ready to be reached.

Being Scared of your own Ambition & Potential!

On more than one occasion I’ve found myself frozen in place at the thought of my own potential. From a young age I’ve always known I was destined for greatness. Honestly no joke, I knew that there was no way I could experience so much ups and downs in life for absolutely no reason. I believed in myself and I believed that I would make some sort of difference in the world albeit a small one but still some sort of difference.
When I was younger, I had two job roles that stood out to me, I wanted to be a Lawyer but I also aspired to become a Midwife. I loved the thought of bringing new life into the world. The thought of seeing the love & joy on a mother’s face when seeing her child. (Yes, this is how I was thinking at a young age, I craved a mothers love.)

Anyway fast forward a couple years and I’d made a definitive decision to focus on becoming a Midwife, from young I was involved in caring for others whether it was in my personal life or work life, I went to college to study Health & Social Care (my attitude didn’t let me progress through this route), I did a foundation Health & Social Care course in Uni (my personal life hindered me from completing the course). 

There were several things I wanted to do but found myself being side-tracked. In my head I questioned whether the universe was trying to let me know that I wasn’t cut out for these roles, so I put the idea of myself succeeding in the roles right in the back of my head. I dealt with roles that I knew were easy to come by like waitressing, care work etc and although I exceled in these roles I knew I was dismissing my true potential and worth. My time in the housing sector has been a real eye-opener for me, working and helping individuals from all walks of life has shown me what it is I truly aspire to do in life, like when I think about my future I think about what kind of role I would like to retire from, what kind of impact will I have made on those around me before I decide to kick back and relax with my grandchildren.

My thoughts always come round to thoughts of the same job role I’ve always aspired to be in as CEO of my own company helping others rather than working for profit and honestly when I put my plans and thoughts on paper it’s just amazing, I get goose bumps when I see my ideas written out, even when I hear myself talking about my long-term goals for a non-profit organisation honestly it gives me the shivers just knowing my own potential. I love helping others, I love assisting those around me to reach the goals set for themselves, seeing my fellow peers reach their potential is just great to see.

My Ambitious Conclusion!

So why do I fear my own potential, how is it possible for somebody who has gained so much experience in life to be scared to put one foot forward for themselves. Assessing my past, each idea I’ve had and what has stopped me from progressing further with it, the simple conclusion was my negative energy. Simple as that, it’s dramatically overwhelming. I constantly live in my past and the failures of it. Every time I believe I can accomplish something the shadow of mistrust looms over me blocking the potentials.  To be really honest like real real with my readers, I still haven’t managed to find a way to overcome this obstacle. My negative thought process and energy is something that has stuck with me from my past, the memories of the abuse and struggles I grew up with are always replayed, reminding me of what I came from, the failures of my parents and my childhood actually, now that I come to think of it.

I know that these feelings are not something that can be dealt with by just putting them in print. I clearly have several factors from my past that I’m not completely over and its going to take some deep therapy to even begin putting together the different ingredients for this Cocktail Mind but I’m adamant in doing so because I don’t want to be fearing my potential or my future. I know I have an a amazing soul, it’s time everyone else got to see it too. 

Exhale the Bull….

Exhale the Bull….

I used to be out every weekend socialising around the town, drinking away the hurt, the pain, the feeling of shame.

I used to be surrounded by beautiful individuals with such big characters but in the back of my mind, I didn’t belong I was just the girl that could hold her liquor.

I used to be care free, easy going, ready to conquer the world. Now I fear my own shadow, afraid of what pain the world might bring next.

My heart is weighed down by the beautiful prospect of my future, can my feet walk in the direction of my “destiny” or are they rooted in place, held down by the fear of releasing my heart to freedom.

Do I exhale the bullsh*t & set it free? 

Can I set it free

Am I so used to living with the pain that the thought of releasing myself to the universe, the thought of potential happiness, the thought of exhaling the bullsh*t….frightens my soul?

How long will I be waiting to Exhale?

 

 

 

Meditating every evening before bed is something new I’ve implemented into my night routine. Being able to end the day correctly & positively is a task for me but hopefully with guidance & perseverance, I can master this task.

 

I’ve listed a few things below that I’ve found helpful in centring myself as well as meditation tips. 

 

Black Moms Guide to Calm

Zen Habits

Head Space

 

 

 

 

 

Below you will find a meditation video, that I personally found extremely honest & helpful.

 

 

 

 

 

Just to clarify for my readers, no I haven’t become a poet in my time away. I just had thoughts in my mind that I felt the need to express & release.

That time I did the BIG CHOP!

That time I did the BIG CHOP!

For yearrrsss I’ve wanted to cut my hair,  I think since I was in school to be fair because I remember when my younger foster sister first did the big chop & I was so gassed and excited for her, I agreed to cut mine the following week. If memory serves correct I believe I made the same promise at least 8 times.(shame on me).

I’d be right to assume people actually got sick of hearing me say it but not actually doing it. What the people close to me didn’t know was that each time I went to cut my hair, I would get distracted by something.  At first I failed to notice the two factors related, I knew I wanted to cut my hair but for some reason I was never able to allocate time to doing it…well it was after a few failed attempts & a long chat with my friend & mentor, did I realise it was only my bloody anxiety, hindering me, as always 🙄.  The thought of making such a dramatic change no matter how badly I wanted it was just too overwhelming for me.

Well this year I decided to take the leap, a lot of negativity had occurred at the start of the year. It genuinely got way too much for me and I kind of had my own little Britney moment with the benefit of my foster sister doing the shaving. 

It was a tremendous moment, I hadn’t had my hair cut since my biological mother shaved my hair at the age of 5. I felt like all the pain & anger from my past was literally falling away to my feet, the weight on my shoulders were slowly unburdening. With each stroke of the clipper I felt the relief engulfing me. 

Having no hair was most certainly a shock to my system. Over the years I’ve experimented on my head in different ways, using relaxers & hair dyes, weaves, wigs a bit of everything. I’ve damaged my hair & brought it back to life again. As black women, our hair is our crown, even when unhealthy & damaged, we try to hold onto it because it’s what we’re used too. I was quickly able to adapt to this change. Although it took me a long time to do it. I did it and for me that is an amazing accomplishment. I love feeling the fresh air on my scalp & being able to actually to feel my scalp.

Everything about my Big Chop was a delight, it came at a point in my life when it was truly needed. For me, personally cutting my hair was a moment of growth. It awakened something in me, encouraging me to cut other toxic things out of my life. 

Before I sign off, I’d like to recommend to my users, if you are planning to shave your hair completely or even an unexpected dramatic cut, definitely make sure you document it. Before and After pictures are amazing to look at, share & keep for memories.

“A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.”

  – Coco Chanel 

 

 

 

2018..What a Year!

2018..What a Year!

Poof…..and out of nowhere she appears again!

Guyssssssssss (and I mean that in the most gender neutral way possible) it has been quite some time since I posted any form of content on social media. A year and 5 months to be exact and for that I want to start of by genuinely apologising to my readers for my abstinence. It did not start of as something done intentionally but the more time passed the more I settled into my routine and it didn’t include Cocktail Minds. There were times during this long period where I wanted to write and post but felt that my content wasn’t worthy for my readers. I literally  set dates and goals for when I would get Cocktail Minds back up and running but nothing ever seemed to go to plan. A year and three months later and finally my creative juices started flowing again. I have been dyinggg to get back to Cocktail Minds despite all the madness that’s currently going on in my life but before we get into the current shenanigans let me just give you a quick rundown of 2018.

January

Started off ever so blessed, I was focused on the Law of Attraction, I was so motivated, eating well, speaking positive daily, I remember having a conversation with an old friend and telling them that I would be back to my normal self again, I specifically remember speaking into existence a new job role in February 2018 and lo and behold January 28th I received a phone call for a job position, come February 1st I would be settling into my new job role quite well.

February

I was in a new role and I was loving being back in a work environment after being away from it for so long, I set a routine for myself and AJ, he started nursery which was such a big thing for the both of us. For me it was having to leave him with strangers and being away from him that got to me but whewww chile that end of the month salary was calling out too me differently and as a single mother I made that choice to go back to work. I had a lot of people telling me not to, that it would jeopardise AJ’s growth. How? I really do not know but you know when you just have to remind individuals that they aren’t the ones paying your bills. Anyway I was going with the flow enjoying my new role. 

At the end of February, my friends and I had to experience the 1st Anniversary of our good friend Juel’s death. To be quite honest with you, I thought that I had somewhat overcome his death, not that I had forgotten about him or the events that took place but more because I had spent 2017 grieving his death in such an unhealthy manner that when I had finally began to heal and view life in a positive way I thought I was overcoming his death. Oh the lies one tells thy self lol.

March

There were two lives I was living, my depressed life and my positive life. My depressed self didn’t understand why I was still alive, I didn’t understand what I had to offer to the world when they’re were others who were amazing people but sadly were not able to live their full life. I felt lonely and secluded from the world not sure how to express myself. I definitely did not understand how I was functioning in life but somehow I was, that was my positive side, waking up everyday for work, helping vulnerable people with housing, substance mis-use, family issues, depression, anxiety, you name it, I was putting my energy into trying to help these individuals. It was crazy to me because some of the advice & support I was offering these individuals was the same advice  I needed to hear myself but for some reason just weren’t able to take in and digest. This left me feeling weak, confused and disappointed in myself. 

My birthday came round, for those of you that aren’t aware its March 19th. So imagine, leading up to my birthday the one thing that I really wanted was a new car, my car at the time was ricketyyyy, had a whole mind of its own, it would start and cut out when it felt like it, some days it wouldn’t even turn on, my birthday was no exception. I woke up feeling positive looking forward to my birthday lunch, I had gotten myself and AJ ready for the day, loaded the car up ready to head off for the nursery run and yup ze’ car was not having it, I thought ‘that’s it for me’, days over before it even began. Back upstairs we went, I remember being on the phone to a friend filling her in on the situation and she just kept advising me to stay positive, no matter what was thrown at me to show the universe I could take it and rise above it, she was able to calm my anxiety and steer me towards finding a solution rather than allowing my anxiety to take over and end my day before it  had started. So as I was waiting for my friend to head towards me I contacted the RAC they were able to jumpstart my car, thank the heavens, then out of nowhere I receive a phone call with an offer for a brand new car….I kid you not, the stars we aligning It seemed like everything that I was asking from the universe was coming to me. So that day I got myself a brand new car & decided the Law of Attraction was finally working in my favour again, let me give it my all & that’s exactly what I did.

Between April and June I put everything into working full time, I devoted myself to the company and completely lost myself, it was only after being stabbed with a used needle (I got checked out straight away & I’m good, no worries lol) that I took a step back to realise I had immersed myself again into something that was soul draining so after going back and forth with myself, I chose to leave the job. The same day that I quit that job, I received 4 job offers from business competitors. I was so gassed, I felt like the universe was finally hearing my prayers, the  following week I started a new job. Honestly the job was great to begin with until slowly my anxiety couldn’t deal with being discriminated against (will most certainly be writing a follow up post on this), & suffice to say a year later (in 2019 before you all start thinking I can’t hold a job lol), I quit that job too but that’s a post for another day.

Anyway the rest of the year breezed by I made some major changes, moving home & city hoping it would help my mental state…..did it heck. Guys the way I really believed I had messed things up good & proper, I thought that was me done, finito.  Well so I thought……..

Come back next week for part 2 but be sure to have a read of the other posts on Le’ Cocktail Minds..x

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