AJ’s Antics!

AJ’s Antics!

Well…I have been contemplating whether or not to relay this story on here for awhile. I can actually laugh about it now but at the time I was highly annoyed & agitated.

So a couple weeks ago on a Sunday, I had to go to Asda just to grab a few essentials for Sunday dinner, my car was off the road, resulting in me having to catch taxi there & back. Now the problems began the minute I got AJ out the taxi & into his pram. It started off with small little moaning noises & by the time we reached the last aisle, it was full blown wails. When I got too the checkout all heads in the store were turned towards AJ & myself. It was so awkward I felt I had to make a joke to the entire store literally the entire store gave a little chuckle, easing my anxiety just a little bit.
A few of the cashiers that regularly see us tried to calm AJ, make him laugh etc nothing seemed to be working that day.

I called a taxi from within Asda & went to stand outside to give people’s ears a break, it was really needed believe me. It was raining outside but I thought the fresh air might do us both some justice….well I was definitely wrong about that.
AJ’s lungs echoed throughout the car park, I could feel the stares & the the heat rising up my spine, my eyes were darting everywhere trying to avoid the stares of people passing by. In the 45 minutes that I stood & waited for my taxi, my anxiety was on high alert.

While I waited AJ was still wailing & the stares were increasing….all of a sudden a woman I had seen walking in earlier had come back & was stood in front of me. “You alright bab, everything ok with you, would you like a lift home.” I was genuinely shell shocked & embarrassed, did I look that sad & desperate a stranger was willing to have me & my child in her car. The thought made me crumble inside, I politely refused her offer & continued waiting for my taxi in shame & embarrassment.
5 minutes later another woman came up too us, offering food, she automatically assumed AJ was crying due to hunger, she offered to buy him food from Asda, once again I politely refused. I felt a mix of emotions at first I was angry, why would she automatically assume AJ was hungry, if you’ve met my son then you know what i’m talking about, AJ is very well fed, I never step out the house without ensuring his belly’s full. Then I thought ‘well you know what it was nice of her to offer at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be angry.’
At this point my head was going berserk, where was my taxi?, why was I not at home? & why on earth was AJ still crying?.
Speaking to AJ’s dad calmed me down for about ten minutes until a man at the cashpoint decided to speak. “Is he not your child?, is that why he’s crying?.” I was speechless for a couple seconds & then my mouth just went off on it’s own rant ‘No he’s Jesus’s baby, i’m just babysitting’ & a few other choice words I won’t repeat followed but that was it for me, the final straw I was sick off it, every taxi rank I had previously called received an angry call back & can you believe all three taxi ranks pulled up at the same time. I was fuming!
2 minutes later we were in the taxi, I weren’t wasting no time & i’m sure the whole of Asda appreciated my quick departure. As soon as we entered & was comfortable in the taxi…..AJ fell asleep, seriously like knocked out clean. I couldn’t do anything but laugh. As soon as I got home I felt myself calming down in my own comfortable surroundings. I found myself reassessing the whole situation.

What bothered me first of all was that, each person that spoke to me assumed that I needed assistance. Hats off to them for offering but the thought of them assuming I was incompetent of looking after my own child bugged the hell out of me. Another issue I dont like is that at times, not all the time but at times, I find that older people feel the need to exert themselves & their experiences into a young mothers life, not too say that help & advice isn’t needed from the older generation, I just think it should be given when asked for.

Young mums have such an unflattering & negative stigma held over them it’s awful & degrading.
I understand that there are a few young parents out there who don’t behave like they’ve been blessed but a majority that I know & i’m aware of are really great parents. I wholeheartedly believe that fellow individuals within my generation are amazing parents despite having kids at a young age, or having an unfortunate upbringing I’ve found that some young parents have found a way to overcome the faults thrown at them. Instead of relying on alcohol & drugs to block out reality, or benefits & men to live daily. I’ve seen young mothers push to succeed, continuing with education during pregnancies instead of dropping out, working more hours to ensure they’re kids can have anything they desire while still pregnant. Graduating from university while raising toddlers & working. I just think young mothers of today are amazing & yes I may seem bias but i’m most definitely speaking from an observing point & from what I’ve observed. We-Are-A-mazing!

People may put young mothers down, they may discriminate as well but please pay no mind, we are a generation of go-getters, a generation of fighters & believers, a generation of possibilities. Don’t forget that, when things start to become overwhelming or people start inserting their two pences into your life, remember your accomplishments as a young mother, its no walk in the park but you do it daily.

Peace + Love
💛

 

Nothing beats a mothers love, old or young. 

Do you know when too move on?

Do you know when too move on?

To begin with this post isn’t too put down or belittle any friends old or new. Instead it’s to highlight the process of moving on and having the ability to put yourself first…

So do you know when too move on…..?

When you get that feeling you need to leave well alone….Do you?

Be honest with yourself as well because a lot of people aren’t, they like to think that, it would be easy to let go off anything holding them back with a click of a finger. Now don’t get me wrong there are individuals out there who do have the ability to do so but not all. I can put my hand up & admit I’m one of those individuals, I like to think I can drop anything or anyone without a thought but secretly I find that attempting to bury those emotions tend to hurt & affect me more than staying in the situation…….So I think but that actually isn’t the case. Yes it may hurt you to let go of the things your so used too, that you believe offer you a form of stability but once it’s time to move on, move on, believe me the blessings that will come your way once you do is so amazing, you’ll open up so much doors for yourself just from making a single change.

Over the course of my life i’ve grown attached to people, some beneficial some not. When your moved from home to home, adjusting to a new environment, family, having to make new friends etc it becomes rather tedious & you just want stability. As a foster child any form of stability that came my way I latched onto, you would wouldn’t you?.

Once I finally settled in Birmingham at the age of 10/11 one thing that was continuous despite moving around homes was my friends. Instead of pushing & encouraging myself to achieve & change for the best, I stuck to my friends like glue as the only form of normalcy I knew, scared at the thought of life without them. I accepted behaviour I didn’t agree with, I accepted certain failures in life because I knew I had my friends to fall back on, I didn’t care for socialising and meeting new people because I believed nobody could know me better than my own friends.

 

Another form of stability I craved was that “normal” government job role. At first I wanted to be a lawyer but once I got into secondary school it was kind of drilled into you that you had to work hard in school, get the grades to go to Uni & get that well paying job with great benefits so I switched to my second choice of working in health because I didn’t believe I was smart enough to be a lawyer.

Although I loved caring for people, I was aware of the benefits that came with being a Nurse. So I pushed & pushed through school, got to college, got kicked out of two colleges & failed to complete courses at another two different colleges (4 colleges in total) but I still continued pushing all while working within the Health Care sector. I finally got the results needed to progress onto a Health course at University, still believing that this was the path laid in front of me that I HAD to follow. A few barriers were thrown at me at the beginning of the course but I did quite well overcoming them, moving closer to university, joining study groups etc. Closer to the end, literally two assignments away, everything just became one large G & T, cold & sour. Completing the course was very unlikely. Once again my “dream goal” was pushed further away.

Why did I focus on these points?  I’ve highlighted these two points because for me they were the main things I actually devoted myself too. No matter the ups & downs of friendships or the constant failures I still continued pushing believing it was best for me to do so, even if I kept hurting myself in the process.
The older I got the more I realised I didn’t share the same morals, values or loyalty as some of my friends. Failing another course made me finally realise I’d been chasing a dream that secretly I really didn’t want, so I let go. I finally just let go, of friendships, unhealthy relationships and thoughts of becoming a Nurse. I began focusing on the path I really wanted to be on, being an advocate for care leavers & young mothers dealing with mental health. Being an individual that young care leavers could relate to & go to for any form of assistance. Once I came to terms with what it was I really wanted to do it’s like everything just seemed to fall into place. The blog idea became a reality, I began surrounding myself with great encouraging souls that have the same thoughts & mentality as me, I began building better relationships with those I always struggled to relate with. I started enjoying life as well as my own company.

Letting go was the best thing I could do for myself, I seen that light at the end of the tunnel & I charged for it hoping for the best. Each day is a new step towards the Goal of bettering myself but i’m truly grateful I gained the courage to take that 1st step.

Quick note: Surround yourself with individuals who have the same thought process, morals or values, this can be very beneficial in understanding yourself in so many different ways.

 

It’s a bad day….Not a bad life

It’s a bad day….Not a bad life

So I recently had a mind block these last couple of weeks, I’ve just felt lost again. Starting this blog I got quite excited, I’ve been so grateful to have something creative to occupy my mind & also allow me to open up to the world. I meticulously planned everything & thought it was going quite well. Then during the month, my inner light switched off, literally like a light switch being flicked off. My anxiety & paranoia increased to a next level & everyone became an enemy in my eyes. I weren’t sure who I could trust to divulge my inner demons too, I weren’t sure if I could trust my own emotions. Should I give this problem any more attention or attempt to regain control.

Once my mind goes down this path it tends to disappear on its own trail, It may sound a bit weird but literally I sometimes drift off into my daydream state & when I say it is Serenity it is SERENITY, everything is perfect in that world. I’m happy & beautiful, surrounded by loving trustworthy people, no worry in the world, no bills to pay, no one branding me as an angry black girl or constantly throwing out the Mental Health label/stigma. It’s perfect!

Now even though I’m really disappointed in myself at this point & just want to be swallowed up & left alone, the thought of rising up & completing my set goals not only for myself but also my son pushes me forward…..I have to force myself to relax and think clearly. The reality cloud slowly drifts in raining down on my serenity.
I ask myself three questions:

What was it that originally upset me?
Was my reaction acceptable in comparison to what upset me?
How do I move on from here?

Once you’ve reached question no.2, your more than likely calming down & assessing yourself, probably beating yourself up for reacting however you did. Don’t do that. Yes you may of possibly over-reacted, maybe ruined some relationships during the process but at the end of the day your emotions are yours & yours alone Don’t be ashamed of feeling a certain type of way if that’s how you felt at the time. At the end of the day, it’s a singular bad day not a bad life. When your able to come to terms with this your ready to deal with question no.3.
Going forward how do you move on from the situation, do you need to replace any plates or glasses (I was constantly having to replace glasses & mugs, it’s a good job I lived alone), do you feel like there may be individuals you might have to apologise too. Don’t be ashamed to do so at least your aware of what needs amending. If someone is prepared to judge you for your outbursts then they’re not needed in your life. Surround yourself with uplifting individuals who will tell you when your in the wrong, assist you in bettering yourself & still love & accept the individual that you are.

These days instead of smashing things I resort to watching sarcastic comedy, weird I know but the blunt jokes tend to calm me, I think it’s more due to watching people with a weirder sense of humour than me makes me feel at ease. My favourites are; New Girl (funny & weirder than a three legged parrot), 2-Broke Girls (I love their x-rated humour, has me giggling away no matter what mood) & for a bit of animation Jeff & Some Aliens (just plain weird antics but I love it).

These our my different methods, please feel free to comment how you calm yourself or even suggest some tips for myself & other readers.

Peace + Love

 

 

 

Illustration by: http://www.instagram.com/nilsbritwum

 

Imani Academy

Imani Academy

 

Hi Guys, this post is to spotlight the amazing work being done by a project called Imani Academy. Recently myself & some very influential women, when I say influential I mean INFLUENTIAL women, became ambassadors for the project. This is something completely new & out of my comfort zone for me but reading up on Imani academy. I felt like I had to be involved in the project, growing up I lacked having a mentor or role model that could understand & relate to my experiences, so everything was bottled within until an unlucky person came along & I exploded on them (this happened more often than I’d like to admit). Fast forward a couple years & now we have projects like Imani Academy, here to help, assist, prepare & mentor young girls & women for the future.

A brief introduction provided by it’s founder Imani:
Imani Academy is a social enterprise focusing on female empowerment, launched in 2016. Imani means faith and we feel through faith, a better world can be created for girls and young women now, and in the future.
Imani Academy aims to inspire, uplift and empower primarily girls and young women 12-18 years old and 18-30, by delivering workshops and mentoring as part of our bespoke programme – I Am Phenomenal 365. We intend to remind young women that despite some of the pressures and challenges they may face on a day to day, they are phenomenal women 365 days of the year.
We strongly believe Character Education is important for young people generally; as our focus is on women’s personal, social and emotional development, we have used the Character Education ethos to deliver a programme that focuses on strengthening and exploring positive character traits. Allowing girls and young women to reflect on their phenomenal woman journey and beyond.

 

Check out the site:

http://www.imaniacademy.weebly.com/

 

 

Illustration Created by: http://www.instagram.com/nilsbritwum

Quitting isn’t in you

Quitting isn’t in you

Yesterday I woke up & decided me & AJ would be doing a food shop, I hadn’t driven my car in over a month so I was really excited to jump in & pump some tunes (if you’ve had the privilege of being passenger then you know how I love my music).

Well yesterday was my second day on road, got AJ ready, bags packed & pram at the door but for some reason instead of turning right towards the carpark. I turned left & just started walking thinking hey ‘it’s a beautiful day might as well’. I ended up walking a path I rarely do & bumped into an old friend who attends the same University as me but I don’t see often.

We got to talking & she was just explaining to me how the day had been full of positive surprises for her. At every negative turn their was someone there ready to enlighten her with positive vibes. This amazed me because while standing & talking with her I could feel her energy & aura just vibrating away, I could feel it seeping in me, it was an amazing feeling.
I ended up sharing with her my recent problems with University, after losing my best-friend I was unable to concentrate & submit my required assignments, which resulted in me failing my last term for the year so instead of fighting it, I just gave up.

After relaying this too her she turned to me & said “Quitting isn’t for you” when you’ve struggled through life & find yourself still pushing to get through, your not a quitter your a survivor ready to go a next round. We talked a bit more & she advised me on a few things but the sentence ‘Quitting isn’t for you’ lingered in my mind (clearly I’m writing a post on it).

When your dealing with depression it feels as if life is picking on you or teasing you. One minute everything is running smooth as a sailing ship, your life is stable, you wake up everyday excited for what it might bring, ready to meet new faces & make new experiences. You start believing ‘this is it, the calm stable lifestyle I’ve been seeking for so long’. WHAMMM!! you get slapped in the face with a tragedy, then a bill you know you can’t afford, probably get into an argument with someone you hold close to your heart. You feel yourself slowly retreating from the outside world, the stress weighing on you, the black hole of shame & loneliness beckoning you & off you go. Back in your own world hating yourself, beating yourself for always doing the same predictable thing, ruining your life!

Then what happens…if your life’s anything like mine, it gets better again doesn’t it? You tell yourself ‘come on, pick yourself up’. Crawling & dragging yourself out of the black hole, ready to take another attempt at life. You paint on that smile & step out into the world.

Sometimes it can take months to get out of that black hole, at times it can take a couple days but you do end up doing it, don’t you? That’s my key point of this post, ‘Quitting isn’t in you’, you may not see yourself as one but you ARE a survivor. You consistently fight your battle. Deep down within you there is strength there holding you up because your NOT a quitter & even though it may be just a temporary win, it is still a WIN.

 

 

Illustration Created by: http://www.instagram.com/nilsbritwum

 

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