To begin with i’d just like to say in no shape or form am I a psychologist neither am I studying to be one. What I blog about, in relation to certain aspects of mental health, is based on my own life experiences & mindset. I’ll be sharing my journey in hope that others out there can relate to myself and also find a way to channel cocktail emotions.
A quick backstory on myself, I’m one of six children from an African background . My parents were very much involved in the church community, growing up we would be in church 4/5 days out of the week. My mother got really involved in the church & it weren’t until later on in life that I found out the church, let’s just say wasn’t too much of a Godly church. This resulted in my mother thinking in a different kind of way. She started believing that her children were evil & possessed by some form of serpent. She concocted all forms of physical abuse to remove this ‘evil serpent’ from our bodies, continuously failing but still returning with new ideas. This continued for a few years & it wasn’t until one of my brothers got the courage to get help, were we removed & taken into the foster care system. At the age of 6 I was told I would never see my parents again, at this point I had already developed a hard shell so my only emotion was relief, nothing else but relief.
Growing up in the care system was extremely hard, developing attachments to carers & their families, only to be uprooted and moved on when something wasn’t going right. One thing you learn in the foster system is resilience. As a teenager I literally had a breakdown once a month, I struggled to cope with not having a mother; that I could hug, share my experiences with or have the mother/daughter bond with. I hated & blamed myself for being unlovable, locked myself in my bedroom & tortured myself the way I believed I deserved to be punished. The day would be spent crying uncontrollably & then getting angry smashing my belongings to pieces , then back to crying. At this point I wasn’t aware of how severe my mothers mental health was, I could never come to terms with why my mother wasn’t able to put her children first & give us the love that we needed, this resulted in me developing hate for my mother. I blamed her & my situation for all my failures in life, for my heartache and inability to trust anyone in my life.
Remember: Not having a relationship with your mother can affect you dearly as a woman, when you don’t have that foundation in life, it’s very easy to slip & be labeled as a troubled individual.
From 18 onwards after leaving the care system, I struggled to understand who I was. I was so confused about what my purpose on earth was & attempted to take my life a few times, somehow I was always pulled back & saved but my thoughts still stayed the same. I went through life smiling & doing what needed to be done but deep inside I was empty and not in tune with the world. I continued struggling for a few years unable to hold onto stability, I became homeless, moving from one friends home to another until I ended up in a shared accommodation at the age of 22. At this point I was so fed up & disappointed with myself , despite everything I had gone through in life I had actually achieved great things. Driving from a young age, running my own household etc. So to have lost everything & ended up at rock bottom with nothing to my name was the final straw for me. I chose to pray & give all my problems to God. Instead of waking up & spending the day stuck in my bedroom crying, I would go for a walk around the lake (sometimes still crying but hey, it takes time). I applied for university & was accepted, this proved to me that I had a chance, the only person that could stand in my way was myself. Things were starting too look up over the months I got a job in a prominent restaurant, fell pregnant and moved into a beautiful apartment while still studying at university things were okay for awhile until the worst day of my adult life….