Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Recently I was watchin one of my favourite YouTube influencers (Shoutout to Ms Lisaah Mapsie) she was discussing the topic of toxic friends. Something said stuck with me and after watching the entire video, what I took from the talk was that ‘Not all friendships built are meant to last and sometimes this isn’t just in the case of friendships, this could also relate to relationships, family relationships, all of that and the rest.’ 

Within this post I’ll be focusing on the role we play as individuals in toxic relationships/friendships

The Toxic Episodes

Every now and then I go through a bit of a period, (ummm let’s call them episodes). After watching the video I self-analysed. Looking within, I noticed that I tended to display toxic narcissistic behaviour during these episodes. Without malicious intent yet still doing so. 

On a normal day; narcissism doesn’t even come into play. But when I’m having an episode, it’s like I disregard the feelings of those around me. When I say this I don’t mean to sound insensitive or asif I don’t care for my loved ones. That’s far from the truth.

It was more of a realisation, that during these episodes. I was failing to take into consideration how my behaviour, actions and outbursts of emotions were effecting those around me. Hence me being the toxic denominator for those around me.

Thinking about it, I can actually imagine the amount of energy I release during a toxic episode. Energy that some may consider dark, negative and draining. It can be a lot…..I can be a lot. 

In the moment of self analysation, I had to take a step back. Question my actions that had led me to become the toxic one in my relationships. The realisation that all this time it was me, that I had pushed my loved ones away, dawned on me.

 

The Narcissist Within Me

At first I had felt as if it was unfair of them to desert me during my troubled times. In my head I thought; “Well I’ve always been the same person from day one. So if they could handle me then, why couldn’t they handle me now.” One word… ‘Growth’. They had grown. Learnt to manage their emotions, reactions and behaviour as adults. Whereas I ‘believed’ I had grown along with these relationships but that was just me in denial. Wanting to believe I’d grown but infact I had a lot more to learn.

The more I think of the relationships around me. I’m able to analyse each moment that my toxic behaviour has impacted a situation or somebody else life. 

Honestly I feel like I’m making myself seem more problematic than I actually am. But as individuals when constantly messing up relationships, at some point you’ve kind of got to start wondering,  why?. So I had to check myself!!!

The Conclusion

I understand that I can’t be perfect, I understand that there’s much for me to work on and improve. With time great change will occur.
Change has to begin by apologising to anyone that I have hurt, offended or made to feel unworthy of respect. I’m truly sorry. 

My past behaviour is not something that I’m proud of. The lessons learnt from the repercussions of my behaviour, whether positive or negative is something that I am coping with. As each lesson has been nudging me closer to personal and spiritual growth. Growth that is long overdue. 

Below I’ll include the video that basically got me thinking and analysing myself. We’re all individuals so you may take something completely different from it to what I did, but I hope you do take something positive from the video.

That time I did the BIG CHOP!

That time I did the BIG CHOP!

For yearrrsss I’ve wanted to cut my hair,  I think since I was in school to be fair because I remember when my younger foster sister first did the big chop & I was so gassed and excited for her, I agreed to cut mine the following week. If memory serves correct I believe I made the same promise at least 8 times.(shame on me).

I’d be right to assume people actually got sick of hearing me say it but not actually doing it. What the people close to me didn’t know was that each time I went to cut my hair, I would get distracted by something.  At first I failed to notice the two factors related, I knew I wanted to cut my hair but for some reason I was never able to allocate time to doing it…well it was after a few failed attempts & a long chat with my friend & mentor, did I realise it was only my bloody anxiety, hindering me, as always 🙄.  The thought of making such a dramatic change no matter how badly I wanted it was just too overwhelming for me.

Well this year I decided to take the leap, a lot of negativity had occurred at the start of the year. It genuinely got way too much for me and I kind of had my own little Britney moment with the benefit of my foster sister doing the shaving. 

It was a tremendous moment, I hadn’t had my hair cut since my biological mother shaved my hair at the age of 5. I felt like all the pain & anger from my past was literally falling away to my feet, the weight on my shoulders were slowly unburdening. With each stroke of the clipper I felt the relief engulfing me. 

Having no hair was most certainly a shock to my system. Over the years I’ve experimented on my head in different ways, using relaxers & hair dyes, weaves, wigs a bit of everything. I’ve damaged my hair & brought it back to life again. As black women, our hair is our crown, even when unhealthy & damaged, we try to hold onto it because it’s what we’re used too. I was quickly able to adapt to this change. Although it took me a long time to do it. I did it and for me that is an amazing accomplishment. I love feeling the fresh air on my scalp & being able to actually to feel my scalp.

Everything about my Big Chop was a delight, it came at a point in my life when it was truly needed. For me, personally cutting my hair was a moment of growth. It awakened something in me, encouraging me to cut other toxic things out of my life. 

Before I sign off, I’d like to recommend to my users, if you are planning to shave your hair completely or even an unexpected dramatic cut, definitely make sure you document it. Before and After pictures are amazing to look at, share & keep for memories.

“A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.”

  – Coco Chanel 

 

 

 

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