It’s a bad day….Not a bad life

It’s a bad day….Not a bad life

So I recently had a mind block these last couple of weeks, I’ve just felt lost again. Starting this blog I got quite excited, I’ve been so grateful to have something creative to occupy my mind & also allow me to open up to the world. I meticulously planned everything & thought it was going quite well. Then during the month, my inner light switched off, literally like a light switch being flicked off. My anxiety & paranoia increased to a next level & everyone became an enemy in my eyes. I weren’t sure who I could trust to divulge my inner demons too, I weren’t sure if I could trust my own emotions. Should I give this problem any more attention or attempt to regain control.

Once my mind goes down this path it tends to disappear on its own trail, It may sound a bit weird but literally I sometimes drift off into my daydream state & when I say it is Serenity it is SERENITY, everything is perfect in that world. I’m happy & beautiful, surrounded by loving trustworthy people, no worry in the world, no bills to pay, no one branding me as an angry black girl or constantly throwing out the Mental Health label/stigma. It’s perfect!

Now even though I’m really disappointed in myself at this point & just want to be swallowed up & left alone, the thought of rising up & completing my set goals not only for myself but also my son pushes me forward…..I have to force myself to relax and think clearly. The reality cloud slowly drifts in raining down on my serenity.
I ask myself three questions:

What was it that originally upset me?
Was my reaction acceptable in comparison to what upset me?
How do I move on from here?

Once you’ve reached question no.2, your more than likely calming down & assessing yourself, probably beating yourself up for reacting however you did. Don’t do that. Yes you may of possibly over-reacted, maybe ruined some relationships during the process but at the end of the day your emotions are yours & yours alone Don’t be ashamed of feeling a certain type of way if that’s how you felt at the time. At the end of the day, it’s a singular bad day not a bad life. When your able to come to terms with this your ready to deal with question no.3.
Going forward how do you move on from the situation, do you need to replace any plates or glasses (I was constantly having to replace glasses & mugs, it’s a good job I lived alone), do you feel like there may be individuals you might have to apologise too. Don’t be ashamed to do so at least your aware of what needs amending. If someone is prepared to judge you for your outbursts then they’re not needed in your life. Surround yourself with uplifting individuals who will tell you when your in the wrong, assist you in bettering yourself & still love & accept the individual that you are.

These days instead of smashing things I resort to watching sarcastic comedy, weird I know but the blunt jokes tend to calm me, I think it’s more due to watching people with a weirder sense of humour than me makes me feel at ease. My favourites are; New Girl (funny & weirder than a three legged parrot), 2-Broke Girls (I love their x-rated humour, has me giggling away no matter what mood) & for a bit of animation Jeff & Some Aliens (just plain weird antics but I love it).

These our my different methods, please feel free to comment how you calm yourself or even suggest some tips for myself & other readers.

Peace + Love

 

 

 

Illustration by: http://www.instagram.com/nilsbritwum

 

Quitting isn’t in you

Quitting isn’t in you

Yesterday I woke up & decided me & AJ would be doing a food shop, I hadn’t driven my car in over a month so I was really excited to jump in & pump some tunes (if you’ve had the privilege of being passenger then you know how I love my music).

Well yesterday was my second day on road, got AJ ready, bags packed & pram at the door but for some reason instead of turning right towards the carpark. I turned left & just started walking thinking hey ‘it’s a beautiful day might as well’. I ended up walking a path I rarely do & bumped into an old friend who attends the same University as me but I don’t see often.

We got to talking & she was just explaining to me how the day had been full of positive surprises for her. At every negative turn their was someone there ready to enlighten her with positive vibes. This amazed me because while standing & talking with her I could feel her energy & aura just vibrating away, I could feel it seeping in me, it was an amazing feeling.
I ended up sharing with her my recent problems with University, after losing my best-friend I was unable to concentrate & submit my required assignments, which resulted in me failing my last term for the year so instead of fighting it, I just gave up.

After relaying this too her she turned to me & said “Quitting isn’t for you” when you’ve struggled through life & find yourself still pushing to get through, your not a quitter your a survivor ready to go a next round. We talked a bit more & she advised me on a few things but the sentence ‘Quitting isn’t for you’ lingered in my mind (clearly I’m writing a post on it).

When your dealing with depression it feels as if life is picking on you or teasing you. One minute everything is running smooth as a sailing ship, your life is stable, you wake up everyday excited for what it might bring, ready to meet new faces & make new experiences. You start believing ‘this is it, the calm stable lifestyle I’ve been seeking for so long’. WHAMMM!! you get slapped in the face with a tragedy, then a bill you know you can’t afford, probably get into an argument with someone you hold close to your heart. You feel yourself slowly retreating from the outside world, the stress weighing on you, the black hole of shame & loneliness beckoning you & off you go. Back in your own world hating yourself, beating yourself for always doing the same predictable thing, ruining your life!

Then what happens…if your life’s anything like mine, it gets better again doesn’t it? You tell yourself ‘come on, pick yourself up’. Crawling & dragging yourself out of the black hole, ready to take another attempt at life. You paint on that smile & step out into the world.

Sometimes it can take months to get out of that black hole, at times it can take a couple days but you do end up doing it, don’t you? That’s my key point of this post, ‘Quitting isn’t in you’, you may not see yourself as one but you ARE a survivor. You consistently fight your battle. Deep down within you there is strength there holding you up because your NOT a quitter & even though it may be just a temporary win, it is still a WIN.

 

 

Illustration Created by: http://www.instagram.com/nilsbritwum

 

Beginning of Depression

To begin with i’d just like to say in no shape or form am I a psychologist neither am I studying to be one. What I blog about, in relation to certain aspects of mental health, is based on my own life experiences & mindset. I’ll be sharing my journey in hope that others out there can relate to myself and also find a way to channel cocktail emotions.

A quick backstory on myself, I’m one of six children from an African background . My parents were very much involved in the church community, growing up we would be in church 4/5 days out of the week. My mother got really involved in the church & it weren’t until later on in life that I found out the church, let’s just say wasn’t too much of a Godly church. This resulted in my mother thinking in a different kind of way. She started believing that her children were evil & possessed by some form of serpent. She concocted all forms of physical abuse to remove this ‘evil serpent’ from our bodies, continuously failing but still returning with new ideas. This continued for a few years & it wasn’t until one of my brothers got the courage to get help, were we removed & taken into the foster care system. At the age of 6 I was told I would never see my parents again, at this point I had already developed a hard shell so my only emotion was relief, nothing else but relief.

Growing up in the care system was extremely hard, developing attachments to carers & their families, only to be uprooted and moved on when something wasn’t going right. One thing you learn in the foster system is resilience. As a teenager I literally had a breakdown once a month, I struggled to cope with not having a mother; that I could hug, share my experiences with or have the mother/daughter bond with. I hated & blamed myself for being unlovable, locked myself in my bedroom & tortured myself the way I believed I deserved to be punished. The day would be spent crying uncontrollably & then getting angry smashing my belongings to pieces , then back to crying. At this point I wasn’t aware of how severe my mothers mental health was, I could never come to terms with why my mother wasn’t able to put her children first & give us the love that we needed, this resulted in me developing hate for my mother. I blamed her & my situation for all my failures in life, for my heartache and inability to trust anyone in my life.

Remember: Not having a relationship with your mother can affect you dearly as a woman, when you don’t have that foundation in life, it’s very easy to slip & be labeled as a troubled individual.

From 18 onwards after leaving the care system, I struggled to understand who I was. I was so confused about what my purpose on earth was & attempted to take my life a few times, somehow I was always pulled back & saved but my thoughts still stayed the same. I went through life smiling & doing what needed to be done but deep inside I was empty and not in tune with the world. I continued struggling for a few years unable to hold onto stability, I became homeless, moving from one friends home to another until I ended up in a shared accommodation at the age of 22. At this point I was so fed up & disappointed with myself , despite everything I had gone through in life I had actually achieved great things. Driving from a young age, running my own household etc. So to have lost everything & ended up at rock bottom with nothing to my name was the final straw for me. I chose to pray & give all my problems to God. Instead of waking up & spending the day stuck in my bedroom crying, I would go for a walk around the lake (sometimes still crying but hey, it takes time). I applied for university & was accepted, this proved to me that I had a chance, the only person that could stand in my way was myself. Things were starting too look up over the months I got a job in a prominent restaurant, fell pregnant and moved into a beautiful apartment while still studying at university things were okay for awhile until the worst day of my adult life….

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