You Are My Son-Shine!

You Are My Son-Shine!

I haven’t blogged about my Son-Shine for quite some time now, I think the last post written was AJ’s Antics! I was definitely in a different head space back then, alone and far from my support base, I had struggled as a new Mother but that, my dear readers is a story for another day.

AJ (short for Azaiyah-Jordan for those not aware.) is now a thriving 3 year old….going on 23. He’s my Son-Shine (You get it right? You get it loool.) Yes my son also has to deal with my dodgy sense of humour and no he is not a fan. To be fair though I actually think he’s developing my sense of humour, isn’t that great.

 

The Bond Between a Mother & Son

A parent is meant to be a child’s first teacher, first confidant, first love, first best-friend etc. Yes, I am all these things for my son but I’ve come to realise that AJ is, in fact, all these things for me.

When my best friend passed away, it sounds crazy to say but it was my son who comforted me the most. At the time he hadn’t even reached his 1st birthday. I remember on one occasion I had a random crying outburst. AJ climbed onto the sofa, sat behind me and gave me a hug from behind. Of course, this display of empathy from a baby made me cry even harder, which made him hug me even tighter.

Although I had been telling everyone from the moment he was born, it was at this point I definitely believed AJ, my bright son-shine, was an old soul.

I Love Everything About Him!

AJ is strong, caring, loving and empathetic, He’s smart, charming, energetic and comedic. He is the sunshine on a cloudy day, forever bringing smiles and laughter to those around him.

Yes, of course, like any other child he has his times but it’s those stressful moments where he becomes my teacher. Teaching me how to be more patient, how to slow down and gain an understanding/appreciation of the moment whether good or bad. He teaches me how to let go, be silly and laugh at myself. At this present moment, I’ve stopped writing like three times to play Sensei & Ninja Warrior and if you ever saw the kids antics. Honestly, it’s too much to cope with, he’s just absolutely hilarious.

Let’s Sprinkle A Bit of Knowledge

A while back during a chat with a friend, she got me into researching Indigo children. I personally believe AJ definitely identifies and displays traits & characteristics of an Indigo child, so before I leave you, I’ll be inserting a piece of knowledge to educate and inform us all (Yes all because I’m learning too.) on the topic of Indigo/Crystal children, check the link below.

“Indigo Children are often referred to as wise beyond their years or old souls. From a very young age, they start communicating at an advanced level and amaze others with their insight and knowledge. While it has nothing to do with IQ level or intelligence they just have a natural awareness and acute perception.” https://www.awakeningpeople.com/indigo-child.html

Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Recently I was watchin one of my favourite YouTube influencers (Shoutout to Ms Lisaah Mapsie) she was discussing the topic of toxic friends. Something said stuck with me and after watching the entire video, what I took from the talk was that ‘Not all friendships built are meant to last and sometimes this isn’t just in the case of friendships, this could also relate to relationships, family relationships, all of that and the rest.’ 

Within this post I’ll be focusing on the role we play as individuals in toxic relationships/friendships

The Toxic Episodes

Every now and then I go through a bit of a period, (ummm let’s call them episodes). After watching the video I self-analysed. Looking within, I noticed that I tended to display toxic narcissistic behaviour during these episodes. Without malicious intent yet still doing so. 

On a normal day; narcissism doesn’t even come into play. But when I’m having an episode, it’s like I disregard the feelings of those around me. When I say this I don’t mean to sound insensitive or asif I don’t care for my loved ones. That’s far from the truth.

It was more of a realisation, that during these episodes. I was failing to take into consideration how my behaviour, actions and outbursts of emotions were effecting those around me. Hence me being the toxic denominator for those around me.

Thinking about it, I can actually imagine the amount of energy I release during a toxic episode. Energy that some may consider dark, negative and draining. It can be a lot…..I can be a lot. 

In the moment of self analysation, I had to take a step back. Question my actions that had led me to become the toxic one in my relationships. The realisation that all this time it was me, that I had pushed my loved ones away, dawned on me.

 

The Narcissist Within Me

At first I had felt as if it was unfair of them to desert me during my troubled times. In my head I thought; “Well I’ve always been the same person from day one. So if they could handle me then, why couldn’t they handle me now.” One word… ‘Growth’. They had grown. Learnt to manage their emotions, reactions and behaviour as adults. Whereas I ‘believed’ I had grown along with these relationships but that was just me in denial. Wanting to believe I’d grown but infact I had a lot more to learn.

The more I think of the relationships around me. I’m able to analyse each moment that my toxic behaviour has impacted a situation or somebody else life. 

Honestly I feel like I’m making myself seem more problematic than I actually am. But as individuals when constantly messing up relationships, at some point you’ve kind of got to start wondering,  why?. So I had to check myself!!!

The Conclusion

I understand that I can’t be perfect, I understand that there’s much for me to work on and improve. With time great change will occur.
Change has to begin by apologising to anyone that I have hurt, offended or made to feel unworthy of respect. I’m truly sorry. 

My past behaviour is not something that I’m proud of. The lessons learnt from the repercussions of my behaviour, whether positive or negative is something that I am coping with. As each lesson has been nudging me closer to personal and spiritual growth. Growth that is long overdue. 

Below I’ll include the video that basically got me thinking and analysing myself. We’re all individuals so you may take something completely different from it to what I did, but I hope you do take something positive from the video.

Goodreads