Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Recently I was watchin one of my favourite YouTube influencers (Shoutout to Ms Lisaah Mapsie) she was discussing the topic of toxic friends. Something said stuck with me and after watching the entire video, what I took from the talk was that ‘Not all friendships built are meant to last and sometimes this isn’t just in the case of friendships, this could also relate to relationships, family relationships, all of that and the rest.’ 

Within this post I’ll be focusing on the role we play as individuals in toxic relationships/friendships

The Toxic Episodes

Every now and then I go through a bit of a period, (ummm let’s call them episodes). After watching the video I self-analysed. Looking within, I noticed that I tended to display toxic narcissistic behaviour during these episodes. Without malicious intent yet still doing so. 

On a normal day; narcissism doesn’t even come into play. But when I’m having an episode, it’s like I disregard the feelings of those around me. When I say this I don’t mean to sound insensitive or asif I don’t care for my loved ones. That’s far from the truth.

It was more of a realisation, that during these episodes. I was failing to take into consideration how my behaviour, actions and outbursts of emotions were effecting those around me. Hence me being the toxic denominator for those around me.

Thinking about it, I can actually imagine the amount of energy I release during a toxic episode. Energy that some may consider dark, negative and draining. It can be a lot…..I can be a lot. 

In the moment of self analysation, I had to take a step back. Question my actions that had led me to become the toxic one in my relationships. The realisation that all this time it was me, that I had pushed my loved ones away, dawned on me.


The Narcissist Within Me

At first I had felt as if it was unfair of them to desert me during my troubled times. In my head I thought; “Well I’ve always been the same person from day one. So if they could handle me then, why couldn’t they handle me now.” One word… ‘Growth’. They had grown. Learnt to manage their emotions, reactions and behaviour as adults. Whereas I ‘believed’ I had grown along with these relationships but that was just me in denial. Wanting to believe I’d grown but infact I had a lot more to learn.

The more I think of the relationships around me. I’m able to analyse each moment that my toxic behaviour has impacted a situation or somebody else life. 

Honestly I feel like I’m making myself seem more problematic than I actually am. But as individuals when constantly messing up relationships, at some point you’ve kind of got to start wondering,  why?. So I had to check myself!!!

The Conclusion

I understand that I can’t be perfect, I understand that there’s much for me to work on and improve. With time great change will occur.
Change has to begin by apologising to anyone that I have hurt, offended or made to feel unworthy of respect. I’m truly sorry. 

My past behaviour is not something that I’m proud of. The lessons learnt from the repercussions of my behaviour, whether positive or negative is something that I am coping with. As each lesson has been nudging me closer to personal and spiritual growth. Growth that is long overdue. 

Below I’ll include the video that basically got me thinking and analysing myself. We’re all individuals so you may take something completely different from it to what I did, but I hope you do take something positive from the video.



Okay so I’m very late to the party, I think I am anyway but it doesn’t matter because I’ve finally joined the party The Insecure party and when I say this is a show that must be watched. It Must Be Watched.
After Game of Thrones and Power decided to you know give us their final episodes, I just weren’t sure what I was going to fill my TV time slot with. Then I saw a friend from America had posted on Facebook about her night of TV catch-up . Insecure was one of them, I weren’t sure if she had misspelt something. So I went to check it out online, found it & thought ‘hey lets give this a try’. I ended up watching Season 2 Episode 7 first and seriously I think I got about 10 minutes into it & can you believe within a day I had gone back & finished Season 1 and was well into Season 2…WOW what an awesome show. It discusses every subject you could possibly think of. As a Black woman with insecurities, this show gives perspective on what it’s like to live within today’s society. The struggles of finding your feet in relationships, friendships & work while dealing with insecurities and anxiety. Insecure really opens up your eyes to the various natures of people’s ways. I would recommend this show, I think a majority of the topics discussed within the episodes are valid, Issa Rae makes you feel like she’s in your mind. As if your going through the same experiences and to be honest in today’s day and age I think that’s what we need on TV for 2017. Programs that not only Black women can relate too but every woman of any race. So yeah check it out, if you’re like me, you might just get really addicted and watch the whole season within a day. I recommend it for everyone because not only does she embrace the issues that young women face today but she does it in a manner that allows you to face your own insecurities and kind of make a joke out of it. I love that & oh my days the soundtrack for the series is absolutely amazing, I am most definitely recommending watching this series. For all females out there with Insecurities add this to your favourites list!


P.S If you ever watched Girlfriends back in the day, you’ll like this show I feel like its a 2017 adaptation of Girlfriends.