Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Recently I was watchin one of my favourite YouTube influencers (Shoutout to Ms Lisaah Mapsie) she was discussing the topic of toxic friends. Something said stuck with me and after watching the entire video, what I took from the talk was that ‘Not all friendships built are meant to last and sometimes this isn’t just in the case of friendships, this could also relate to relationships, family relationships, all of that and the rest.’ 

Within this post I’ll be focusing on the role we play as individuals in toxic relationships/friendships

The Toxic Episodes

Every now and then I go through a bit of a period, (ummm let’s call them episodes). After watching the video I self-analysed. Looking within, I noticed that I tended to display toxic narcissistic behaviour during these episodes. Without malicious intent yet still doing so. 

On a normal day; narcissism doesn’t even come into play. But when I’m having an episode, it’s like I disregard the feelings of those around me. When I say this I don’t mean to sound insensitive or asif I don’t care for my loved ones. That’s far from the truth.

It was more of a realisation, that during these episodes. I was failing to take into consideration how my behaviour, actions and outbursts of emotions were effecting those around me. Hence me being the toxic denominator for those around me.

Thinking about it, I can actually imagine the amount of energy I release during a toxic episode. Energy that some may consider dark, negative and draining. It can be a lot…..I can be a lot. 

In the moment of self analysation, I had to take a step back. Question my actions that had led me to become the toxic one in my relationships. The realisation that all this time it was me, that I had pushed my loved ones away, dawned on me.

 

The Narcissist Within Me

At first I had felt as if it was unfair of them to desert me during my troubled times. In my head I thought; “Well I’ve always been the same person from day one. So if they could handle me then, why couldn’t they handle me now.” One word… ‘Growth’. They had grown. Learnt to manage their emotions, reactions and behaviour as adults. Whereas I ‘believed’ I had grown along with these relationships but that was just me in denial. Wanting to believe I’d grown but infact I had a lot more to learn.

The more I think of the relationships around me. I’m able to analyse each moment that my toxic behaviour has impacted a situation or somebody else life. 

Honestly I feel like I’m making myself seem more problematic than I actually am. But as individuals when constantly messing up relationships, at some point you’ve kind of got to start wondering,  why?. So I had to check myself!!!

The Conclusion

I understand that I can’t be perfect, I understand that there’s much for me to work on and improve. With time great change will occur.
Change has to begin by apologising to anyone that I have hurt, offended or made to feel unworthy of respect. I’m truly sorry. 

My past behaviour is not something that I’m proud of. The lessons learnt from the repercussions of my behaviour, whether positive or negative is something that I am coping with. As each lesson has been nudging me closer to personal and spiritual growth. Growth that is long overdue. 

Below I’ll include the video that basically got me thinking and analysing myself. We’re all individuals so you may take something completely different from it to what I did, but I hope you do take something positive from the video.

What a Year contd…

What a Year contd…

So continuing on from (2018 what a year)

 

 

Going into the summer of 2018, I had started working at a new company, similar role but much needed new employers. I enjoyed being in a more professional work environment than the previous job so I had no complaints, although after awhile it began to get tedious traveling back and forth between two cities for work and home. One day I expressed this to my employer and shockingly I was offered the chance to move back to Birmingham via living in one of my employers private properties. At first I had major doubts about the offer  but then I had to kind of give myself a quick swift kick, this was an amazing opportunity that probably wouldn’t be offered to me again & based on the other opportunities that had come up throughout the year, how could I deny another blessing?!.

Once I was able to process and accept the offer, I swung into the motion of preparing to move. September came & I felt my energy uplifting each day leading up to moving day.  Starting fresh was my one and only goal, I wanted to do things different for myself and my family. This move was going to make me become a better person I was adamant of it.

Fast forward a couple great positive months…

 Were in the middle of November, AJ had caught a virus for the 2nd time that year. This led to an infection & him being hospitalised with breathing issues, the same situation had happened before and was really scary & painful to deal with but as we had previously experienced it, I was better prepared this time round when I received the call from his Father. During that period AJs father and myself were not getting along at all 🙄 so the whole situation really humbled us as parents and we managed to be civil during the hospital stay and the ride back lol.

Once the engine turned off it was a another story, we ended up having an argument that impacted me so NEGATIVELY, my mental health took a severe beating. From that point onwards for the rest of the year I was up and down. I couldn’t get ahold of my moods, my chakra was definitely imbalanced, but I had to slap on that positive face because I had a child to care for & over 30 clients who depended on me.

The start of 2019 was an absolute shambles!!!

Two weeks into the year I had reached such a low point, I attempted to take my own life. I felt like I had failed everyone and everything around me, in my head I felt as if I tainted the world. My negativity was draining others & the guilt was too much to bare. There was just too much going on and at that time I thought that was the best decision, luckily enough for me I had an angel looking out for me. Friends and family came at a time when I really needed them & I was given support by them and an amazing ambulance crew. I will forever be filled with gratitude towards these individuals because they saved me! They saved me from the worst decision I’d ever made in my entire life. 

Ashleigh, Layce, Felesha, Yasmine & the two Ambulance Crew staff Amy + Chris. Some of you may not ever see this but I want you to know from the bottom of my heart I am truly truly grateful!. x

So that same weekend I decided I just wanted to be at home, I wasn’t up for communicating or anything like that, so that’s what I did, I only came out of my house for one thing & damn didn’t I end up regretting that. I was minding my own business driving back from the local shop & out of nowhere BOOM!! 

Someone had only gone & crashed into me, once I’d regained composure and got out the car, I attempted to call 999 as the other driver had jumped out of the car and RAN OFF...yesss HE RAN OFF. Sirens swung round the corner before I could even say ‘my name is’. Turns out the police were already chasing the driver as the car had been stolen. Not only had he crashed into me but he had also crashed into another woman’s  car & completely written it off. Despite the damages I was able to get my car home safely, all I could think about was how lucky I was. The events of the weekend were eye opening for me, I felt the impact of the negative energy that was festering within me, smouldering my light. At that moment I vowed to myself that I would keep going, no matter what I was hit with, no matter how I felt I would just keep going. 

The Aftermath

The crash resulted in my car being off road for awhile, which ended up hindering my former job role and because I lived in my former employers home, this lead to me & AJ becoming homeless.

At this point you guys must be thinking I attract some serious bad luck…yeah I felt the same way too… at the time.  We ended up homeless for 3/4 months, despite this I still had hope, even on the days I had to make noodles in the kettle lool I still had hope. I keep telling you guys I’m destined for greatness, I refuse to believe that the negativity of the past will become my future. So I keep on pushing

Got myself a new job with an amazing legit hardworking company, moved into a beautiful home with an understanding landlord who has been nothing but supportive towards me as a single mother. I changed my thought process, the people and energy around me. Made some hard decisions that impacted my social circle & my family but I knew these decisions would benefit me mentally. Currently I’m in a really good head space, the universe keeps throwing things my way to trip me up, but I keep pushing forward and I see that the Universe notices this because when I need it the blessings come ohh sweet days my blessings definitely come through. 

Well to wrap up on that negative period!

If you’ve reached all the way to end I just want to thank you for taking the time out to read this post, it took a while to write because I was unsure about being so open about everything but one thing that I’ve learnt during this whole period is how to effectively release any doubt, pain or hurt in my life, let it gooo, let it goooo (yes please believe I’m actually singing frozen as I write). Anyway I’m proud of where I am at the moment, how much I’ve overcome in the last couple of years. I’m grateful for the people around me & I’m ready to kick this life into gear and help those in similar positions as me.

        I’ve got a lot of great things in store for you guys and ooo I’m so excited baby. Roll with me readers we gon’ have some fun for the last five months of the year. The year will not end as it began.

PERIODT!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you’re feeling suicidal, it’s important to tell someone.
Help and support is available right now if you need it. You don’t have to struggle with difficult feelings alone.


Phone a helpline
These free helplines are there to help when you’re feeling down or desperate.
Unless it says otherwise, they’re open 24 hours a day, every day.


Information:
Samaritans – for everyone
Call 116 123
Email jo@samaritans.org
Information:
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men
Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day
Visit the webchat page
Information:
Papyrus – for people under 35
Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm
Text 07786 209697
Email pat@papyrus-uk.org
Information:
Childline – for children and young people under 19
Call 0800 1111 – the number won’t show up on your phone bill

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being scared of your own Potential

Making that change from a young girl into a young woman with goals set, ready to be achieved and full potentials ready to be reached.

Being Scared of your own Ambition & Potential!

On more than one occasion I’ve found myself frozen in place at the thought of my own potential. From a young age I’ve always known I was destined for greatness. Honestly no joke, I knew that there was no way I could experience so much ups and downs in life for absolutely no reason. I believed in myself and I believed that I would make some sort of difference in the world albeit a small one but still some sort of difference.
When I was younger, I had two job roles that stood out to me, I wanted to be a Lawyer but I also aspired to become a Midwife. I loved the thought of bringing new life into the world. The thought of seeing the love & joy on a mother’s face when seeing her child. (Yes, this is how I was thinking at a young age, I craved a mothers love.)

Anyway fast forward a couple years and I’d made a definitive decision to focus on becoming a Midwife, from young I was involved in caring for others whether it was in my personal life or work life, I went to college to study Health & Social Care (my attitude didn’t let me progress through this route), I did a foundation Health & Social Care course in Uni (my personal life hindered me from completing the course). 

There were several things I wanted to do but found myself being side-tracked. In my head I questioned whether the universe was trying to let me know that I wasn’t cut out for these roles, so I put the idea of myself succeeding in the roles right in the back of my head. I dealt with roles that I knew were easy to come by like waitressing, care work etc and although I exceled in these roles I knew I was dismissing my true potential and worth. My time in the housing sector has been a real eye-opener for me, working and helping individuals from all walks of life has shown me what it is I truly aspire to do in life, like when I think about my future I think about what kind of role I would like to retire from, what kind of impact will I have made on those around me before I decide to kick back and relax with my grandchildren.

My thoughts always come round to thoughts of the same job role I’ve always aspired to be in as CEO of my own company helping others rather than working for profit and honestly when I put my plans and thoughts on paper it’s just amazing, I get goose bumps when I see my ideas written out, even when I hear myself talking about my long-term goals for a non-profit organisation honestly it gives me the shivers just knowing my own potential. I love helping others, I love assisting those around me to reach the goals set for themselves, seeing my fellow peers reach their potential is just great to see.

My Ambitious Conclusion!

So why do I fear my own potential, how is it possible for somebody who has gained so much experience in life to be scared to put one foot forward for themselves. Assessing my past, each idea I’ve had and what has stopped me from progressing further with it, the simple conclusion was my negative energy. Simple as that, it’s dramatically overwhelming. I constantly live in my past and the failures of it. Every time I believe I can accomplish something the shadow of mistrust looms over me blocking the potentials.  To be really honest like real real with my readers, I still haven’t managed to find a way to overcome this obstacle. My negative thought process and energy is something that has stuck with me from my past, the memories of the abuse and struggles I grew up with are always replayed, reminding me of what I came from, the failures of my parents and my childhood actually, now that I come to think of it.

I know that these feelings are not something that can be dealt with by just putting them in print. I clearly have several factors from my past that I’m not completely over and its going to take some deep therapy to even begin putting together the different ingredients for this Cocktail Mind but I’m adamant in doing so because I don’t want to be fearing my potential or my future. I know I have an a amazing soul, it’s time everyone else got to see it too. 

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