Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Toxic Relationships & The role I played within them!

Recently I was watchin one of my favourite YouTube influencers (Shoutout to Ms Lisaah Mapsie) she was discussing the topic of toxic friends. Something said stuck with me and after watching the entire video, what I took from the talk was that ‘Not all friendships built are meant to last and sometimes this isn’t just in the case of friendships, this could also relate to relationships, family relationships, all of that and the rest.’ 

Within this post I’ll be focusing on the role we play as individuals in toxic relationships/friendships

The Toxic Episodes

Every now and then I go through a bit of a period, (ummm let’s call them episodes). After watching the video I self-analysed. Looking within, I noticed that I tended to display toxic narcissistic behaviour during these episodes. Without malicious intent yet still doing so. 

On a normal day; narcissism doesn’t even come into play. But when I’m having an episode, it’s like I disregard the feelings of those around me. When I say this I don’t mean to sound insensitive or asif I don’t care for my loved ones. That’s far from the truth.

It was more of a realisation, that during these episodes. I was failing to take into consideration how my behaviour, actions and outbursts of emotions were effecting those around me. Hence me being the toxic denominator for those around me.

Thinking about it, I can actually imagine the amount of energy I release during a toxic episode. Energy that some may consider dark, negative and draining. It can be a lot…..I can be a lot. 

In the moment of self analysation, I had to take a step back. Question my actions that had led me to become the toxic one in my relationships. The realisation that all this time it was me, that I had pushed my loved ones away, dawned on me.

 

The Narcissist Within Me

At first I had felt as if it was unfair of them to desert me during my troubled times. In my head I thought; “Well I’ve always been the same person from day one. So if they could handle me then, why couldn’t they handle me now.” One word… ‘Growth’. They had grown. Learnt to manage their emotions, reactions and behaviour as adults. Whereas I ‘believed’ I had grown along with these relationships but that was just me in denial. Wanting to believe I’d grown but infact I had a lot more to learn.

The more I think of the relationships around me. I’m able to analyse each moment that my toxic behaviour has impacted a situation or somebody else life. 

Honestly I feel like I’m making myself seem more problematic than I actually am. But as individuals when constantly messing up relationships, at some point you’ve kind of got to start wondering,  why?. So I had to check myself!!!

The Conclusion

I understand that I can’t be perfect, I understand that there’s much for me to work on and improve. With time great change will occur.
Change has to begin by apologising to anyone that I have hurt, offended or made to feel unworthy of respect. I’m truly sorry. 

My past behaviour is not something that I’m proud of. The lessons learnt from the repercussions of my behaviour, whether positive or negative is something that I am coping with. As each lesson has been nudging me closer to personal and spiritual growth. Growth that is long overdue. 

Below I’ll include the video that basically got me thinking and analysing myself. We’re all individuals so you may take something completely different from it to what I did, but I hope you do take something positive from the video.

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Goodbye to 2017…Welcome 2018

2017 had been one of the saddest & lowest year of my life. I lost someone ever so dear too me & it crushed my heart. I let myself be pulled down by the negativity of the year. Argued with a lot of friends & family, let go off my personal appearance & stopped socialising.

I retreated into a negative space causing a lot of people I considered to be family & close friends to turn their back on me or speak of me in such a negative way it impacted my mental state & the way I viewed myself.
My Blog & Instagram page was created to encourage myself to speak out more on my mental health but I found in 2017 I just couldn’t pick myself up, despite many attempts & encouragement from inspirational books, motivational speakers & other people. I just couldn’t do it, I fell off writing blog posts (as you may be able to see), updating my Instagram, communicating effectively with anyone (literally my communication skills was at an all time low). A majority of 2017 was spent crying unsure of my place in the world.

Negative Depressing Cynical right?

That’s why for 2018 for the 1st time in my life I’ve wiped my own slate clean, anything that had previously affected me I felt needed to be left in 2017 I’ve left, I turnt my back & made a promise that I would not re-live the same year again.

It’s a struggle believe me, it’s not that easy to just click your red heels & be a complete different version of yourself but that’s what a fresh start is about. Rebuilding your foundation, working on yourself to become the better version you know you can be.

P.S…..

I cannot, can nottt stress enough the importance of believing in yourself, trusting your inner self to be that amazing person you are!!!
If your yet to make a resolution for the year how about this one;-

‘For 2018 I will strive for a better me, within Education, Work, Parenting, Health, Relationships, Financially (whatever it is that relates too you). Looking back will not be an option for me, the opinion & behaviour of others will not affect me or the goal I have for myself.’

My Awakening

My Awakening

Today something came over me, something powerful & endearing. I experienced an Awakening. I don’t know where it came from but it took over.

I stopped everything I was doing & bent my knees to pray (now this is something I don’t really do, if I pray it’s usually in whatever spot I’m already in). Today I got on my knees & prayed. I prayed for guidance & support. I thanked God for all that he has done, all this time I thought I wasn’t being listened too & that I was just here with no purpose.
Oh how I was wrong, all this time I’ve  known what I wanted or needed to do in life, I’ve always wanted to help those similar to myself but a lack of faith within myself kept me holstered. I’ve let opportunities & blessings fly by, becoming complacent with my life not believing I had what it took to accomplish these opportunities but not today. Today I had my awakening, I manifested the signs God has been sending me & I prayed on them. I decided no more holding myself back I will fulfill what God has proclaimed for me.
It’s going to be a hard journey, I know but it’s one I’m willing to commit too, if helping myself means I can help someone else experience their awakening & encourage the positivity within that individual, why shouldn’t I push myself to do so?. I’ve got so much goals to complete when it comes to Cocktail Minds & I’m ever so excited. 

My next step will be too overcome the barriers I hold in front of myself by becoming more organised, using my excitement as a stepping stone rather than a way to escape reality & networking more with similar individuals.

My depression will not rule me forever, it’s ruled my life for far too long, holding me back & beating me down. Today i’m rising off the ground head & fist held high ready to conquer!.

Top 5 Anxiety Hangups

Top 5 Anxiety Hangups

My Top 5 Anxiety Hangups

1. Failing as a mother

Everyday without fail, I wonder if i’m doing everything I can for AJ, he has a set routine which I love but it’s the in between that worries me. I’m always worrying about whether i’m doing enough for him socially & educationally. Is he learning enough? Am I giving him enough attention for his development. Do I need to do more activities with him?. Then the hyperventilating kicks in, the tears follow & all of a sudden i’m a bad mother. This happens quite regularly because of my lack of self-confidence when infact my son is the happiest & most entertaining/entertained child i’ve had the pleasure of being around. At 14months he says “thank you” & has the capability to understand the counting process when his misbehaving, among other things. My anxiety doesn’t allow me to enjoy these facts though,instead i’m constantly anxious & berating myself to do more.

2. Failure

These days I would like to blame social media (but I won’t) for making people feel like they are failing in life. Seeing the luxury lives being lived on Instagram, the beautiful women, clothes, cars etc. It produces a sense of envy & disdain, for myself it does anyway. It makes me feel as if i’m not doing or accomplishing enough to gain the luxury material things that I see & want . Keywords: Material & Want (not need). I have to remind myself that everyone has the same 24hrs & it’s really up to yourself what you do with it to achieve the things you need in life. It’s up to you to get up & push yourself to achieve the greatness that’s within you.

3. Opinions of others

Most of the time I really do try to live my life unaffected by the thoughts & opinions of others but on days when I’m caught off guard, it does wreak havoc on my anxiety. I become wary & distrusting of everyone based on one individuals actions.
Actor Anthony Hopkins stated such an important FACT that I’ve now decided to abide by. He said & I quote “My philosophy is: It’s none of my business what people say of me & think of me. I am what I am and I do what I do. I expect nothing & accept everything. And it makes life so much easier.” Try living by that philosophy for a week or two, see how it makes you feel.

4. Death

The funny thing is I’m not fearful of death, it’s the aftermath of death, the effect death has on people left to handle it. The fear affects me to the point I don’t like leaving my house sometimes, if I do I’m particular about certain routes I drive, the time of day as well as distance. I imagine the worse scenarios in my head & consistently play them on repeat which usually urges me to get home faster to safety. I pray my fears away but at times they can be very overwhelming. At the end of the day, death is inevitable I guess when it’s your time it is what it is but for me being unprepared gives me anxiety. The thought of leaving my son ugh gives me the shivers

5. Being lonely

The singular word ‘lonely’ gives me severe anxiety, despite having a child & wanting to get married & grow with my Husband, for some reason i’ve just always envisioned myself being lonely forever. Especially with my background, I never believed I would find someone who would be willing to take on my faults as well as my families. Someone who would stand by my side & support me through thick & thin. No I have still not found that person but i’m more open minded to the fact that I don’t have to be lonely forever & maybe just maybe all these years of talking about being lonely has actually manifested the trait within me. I try not to stay within my bubble too often these days even though it is extremely hard to not revert back to my introvert ways but it is possible & I will continuously push myself to do so.

 

Peace + Love Guys
Hope you can read & relate please feel free to let me know your thoughts.

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Disclaimer: Image taken from instagram page: SavingDaughters

Becoming a Mother

Becoming a Mother

In May 2016 I became a mother, it was the most incredible experience I had ever gone through. From the first contraction to the minute my baby was in my arms was a blur of emotions. I knew at that moment, no matter how petrified & uncertain I was of the future, my child would be okay.
10 months before that awesome day in May, I was completely unaware I was pregnant, I found out after booking a regular checkup & even though I had actually prayed to have a lil bundle of joy that would love me with as much love as I had to offer, it still came as a complete an utter shock when the doctor told me I was having a baby. I was not prepared mentally or physically to have a child, living in a shared accommodation, drinking a lot, arguing with anyone that spoke. My thoughts were even more selfish. ‘How could I be so stupid?’ ‘My life is ruined’, ‘I won’t ever get time to myself anymore’. This brain was definitely a Jumbled Julep.
The rest of week consisted of me inflicting pain on myself as punishment, guilt, anger, confusion & tears then out of the blue on the Friday morning I woke up, happy as Larry at the thought of a little strawberry growing within me. I remember phoning my older cousin & telling her “I can’t give up this child but I can’t raise this child” & went on to bawl my eyes out while listing all the reasons I couldn’t raise a child, she replied “Naomi, what’s the first thing you said to me” I racked my Woo Woo mind trying to remember. “Is it that I couldn’t give up the child” She said “Naomi if that’s the 1st thing that came out of your mouth, Don’t you think you’ve already made up your mind.” At this point I knew there was no going back. I was having this child & not a single person was going to deter me from this path.
I embraced every step of my pregnancy, downloaded multiple apps. I changed my diet, ate more healthy & I exercised daily. It felt like it took foreeeverrr for my belly to grow but once it did it was unbelievable. I lived for the moments my baby moved or kicked, the feeling was indescribable, having an actual human being living inside you is definitely one of the weirdest things I’ve ever attempted to describe.
The day my love arrived was absolutely hilarious, now that I think about it……It definitely wasn’t at the time. I woke up to use the toilet & went back to sleep, woke up again, went back to sleep, when I woke up the third time I realised hmm maybe something just isn’t right here……Then the pain hit me, it was the worst pain I’d ever felt (by the age of 17, I’d already had 6/7 tattoos but shh that’s another story lol). 1min I was laughing my head off with his Aunty haha-ing away then the next minute I was crawling on the floor like a possessed woman, screaming my head off. I had to wait half an hour for my child’s father to come pick me up to then drive half an hour back to Birmingham.
You always picture it like the movies, your water breaks once, does the whole gushing routine & boom here’s your baby, cleaned & wrapped up…..Mhmm no, that was far from reality. My water broke three times, threeeee. I practically created a lake in the car, the seatbelt almost strangled babies Nan with all the kicking & flailing around I was doing on the backseat. By the time I got to the hospital I had to be pulled out the car like Superman with half of me looking like I’d been down a water slide.
Within 10mins of getting inside the hospital, our little boy arrived into the world, legs kicking just like his mum. It was so overwhelming, all those months I’d waited to meet him & here he finally was all 7 pounds 11 of him, my greatest accomplishment.
AJ’s first year went by so slow but so fast, he was crawling at 6 months, had attitude by 9 months & was on his feet waddling about by 11months. Watching him grow & learn is so mind blowing, I truly wish I had, had the courage to create this blog beforehand so that I could share the journey with my readers but it’s never too late & I hope you all join me in this journey of motherhood.
P.s I’ve added my favourite picture of 2016 below, my most proudest moment ever 💖

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